Rain rain go away... or stay just a bit

Today is gray, clouds heavy with rain about to fall. I had planned to meet up with some moms in the area to go pumpkin picking and eat caramel apples. Well, honestly, I was in it for the apple. What can be better in fall then an apple doused in a layer of caramel? Maybe caramel with a drizzle of chocolate. Drooling commences... now.

I digress. This is not about caramel apples. Though it could be...

As we ate lunch and watched the sky get darker and darker, I made the decision to stay home. The kids really have no idea how to pumpkin pick anyways. I was doing it for the social interaction (aka- half my own selfish desires to have normal conversation, half for the girls)

It turned about to be the best decision.

We played. We colored. We pretended to sleep. We laughed. We danced. And I learned a few things about my girls...

-Annika can sit and color a whole 25 minutes and only eat the pencils a handful of times. This far exceeds Kayden's artistic attention span.

-Pretending to "sleep" is the best game. I lay on the floor while Kayden piles on me all items necessary to have a snooze (5 pillows, 8 blankets, feather boa, Cinderella purse, pink tutu). She then seals it with a kiss and tender pat. Easy game.

-Annika and Kayden are close enough in size that they can share dress up clothes. This could possibly be the trend for the rest of their lives. I can already here the arguments over shoes and sweaters.

-No matter how bad I dance, Kayden thinks its great and tries to show me new moves. Annika just bounces. We will be preforming at a mall near you.

-Trying explain the concept of Halloween, candy and dress up means nothing to an almost 3 year old who has spent the first years of her life in France. For the record, she wants to wear a grass skirt to go and get treats.

I learned that my kids are perfectly content playing at home. It is me who feels the need to drag them to activities to "make them happy". As the leaves are on the brink of changing, I see a future of many more days "stuck" indoors. Maybe it won't be that bad. (Ask me again mid winter!)

SAHM

I was at the park the other day and over heard some moms discussing parenthood. The four ladies were all stay at home moms, and one piped up and said "Aren't we blessed?" There seemed to be a murmur of agreement (at least from my eavesdropping standpoint). For some reason, I cannot seem to get that moment out of my mind.

Motherhood has been much more challenging, exhausting, guilt ridden and frustrating than I ever imagined. Days seem to lapse one into another with milk spills, temper tantrums, poopy diapers, new pink marker artwork on the floor, and a constant stream of laundry. The highlights on certain days are when I can get a tomato stain out of a shirt and finish my coffee while, gasp, it is still hot. I find myself feeling inadequate, guilty for a whole list of not enough's and too manys. Not enough stories, vegetables, outside play time, crafts, park days, friends, patience. Too many hours in front of the TV, cookies, time outs.

Why can't I focus on the positive? The drooly kisses from Annika? The giant hugs from Kayden? The "I love you mommies"? The growing imagination seen in both my girls? The "help" offered when making dinner?

Since the day at the park, I have been striving to find the glimpses of happiness and hold on to those. Not always has it been easy (insert major screaming fit by Kayden in silent children's library), but I am trying. When I offered my whining children to the little old lady at Walmart today, she said she would gladly take them, that they grow up fast. She's right. And she didn't take them.

My prayer is to find the joy in motherhood.

At the end of the day, yes, I am blessed to be a stay at home mom.

School and other thoughts...

Today was Kayden's first day of preschool. During the whole preschool search process, I kept telling myself that it is not really that big of a deal. She is only 3, going to school a few days a week for a handful of hours.

To prep for the first day, I made special waffles, put on her new outfit and tried to have her pose during multiple attempts of taking the best "First Day of School, EVER!" picture. It slightly worked. Drop off was easy, she quickly started playing with clay and never even looked back when I said goodbye. I am cool with this, I told myself. My child is quite pleased to not be around her mommy, in fact telling me rather strongly, " I go to school ALL BY MYSELF!"

Pick up was even easier. When I walked back into the classroom, once again, no hello mommy. Instead, I was greeted by endless giggles of my darling daughter dancing in circles with two new friends, holding hands, and of course running a little too much in the class room. All a very welcome site.

We drove to Panera to have a chocolate bagel to celebrate school's start and headed on home like today was no big deal. Wake up, check. Start school, check. Nap time, check.

This is where I began my break down. Kayden peed her bed during nap time and woke up hysterical. Sobbing. I took her in my arms and she felt so tiny and fragile. I assured her that a little pee pee is not a problem and brought her into my room for a cuddle (and clean sheets). We snuggled under the covers and I started to get teary eyed. Then I realized I was sniveling. What was this? Crying? No no, not me. Today is not that big of a deal.

But it is. Today is the day I no longer have my daughter under my constant supervision and sheltering, for better or for worse. Today is the day she begins years, decades of schooling. Today is the day she begins to put the things she has learned into practice, on a oh so small scale. I realized that daily routines and schedules have muddled the enjoyment of my children. They are little treasures and I fail to recognize that on so so many occasions.

As I lay in bed holding my little girl, all I could think of were the lyrics to the David Crowder song, "How He Loves. " In the big ol' world of preschool and beyond, the most important thing Kayden needs to take with her is not her duckie back pack, polka dot dress or red hair bow, but to know that she is cherished. Loved. Adored. Treasured. More than I can understand or fathom.

At the end of today, I will read Kayden a story, sing a song, or two or three, say a prayer and kiss her goodnight. She will not remember her first day of school or have any idea that I was way more emotional than I ever thought possible. Let her hold on to the promise that she is loved.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCunuL58odQ&ob=av2e